Jill has added you as a friend.

Jill added me as a friend on Facebook today. It's something I've wanted but I knew it would be a while and I knew I could't ask her. I would just have to give her time. We've been talking more and I think she's been down the last few days and maybe she's seeing that I can be her friend. While that is good I'm worried about her. We talked yesterday and she seemed somewhat despondent. She's taken a lot of punishment the last few years both physically and emotionally and it's wearing on her. She's a great person who doesn't deserve the trials she's faced. While her leaving hurt me more than she will ever realize she deserves to be happy. I wasn't expecting that being her friend would be so hard. I'm just as worried and concerned about her as when we were together but I have so many less options for helping her. Before I could just hold her hand but now all I can do is type words onto a screen and words are not my thing. (you might have figured that out by now)

On brighter news she has agreed to have dinner with me for my birthday. This will be the first time we've been face to face since the divorce. I hope I don't lose it and start sobbing right there in the restaurant. Ah who am I kidding? I just hope I don't sob too much. Its going to be tough for both of us emotionally but I think it will help us deal with things and breakdown some of the barriers between us. I'm frightened and excited at the same time. I just want to hold her hand and hear her voice again. I may be forced to give up on her as a love but I will never give up on her as a friend.

heavy load

Heavy talk with Jill tonight. I had to ask a question I worried would upset her. I needed to ask if she had been with her boyfriend that had passed away before she had filed for divorce. I assumed the answer was  yes and it was. Jill had filed for divorce a few months after my dad died. We had been talking a lot as my mother had taken a serious turn after that and we had to put her in a nursing home (this being related to Jill's profession). When we had talked things seemed much better between us. She seemed much happier then she had been I quite a while. I didn't now then that it was her boyfriend making her happy so I assumed our relationship was improving. When she filed for divorce I felt blindsided. I wish she had told me she was seeing someone. Then I would have known there was a reason for her to move on at that point. Unfortunatly I saw it not as her moving on but her deciding to cut me out of her life. My mother passed away a few weeks before the hearing and I was a total mess at that time I couldn't talk to Jill then I was so afraid of what I might say. I told her tonight that I wish she had told me It would have still hurt like hell but it would have made sense.

In the course of the conversation I told her, what I have come to believe, that she never really loved me. I don't mean that as an accusation or an attack but as a sad fact. I think she liked me and still does and I think she wanted to love me but it just never happened. I think we were both lonely when we met and we both loved having someone else in our lives so much that we wanted to make it work so bad we ignored the truth. I loved her and she liked me. That, I think, did upset her. She never responded. It hurts like hell but I think if we can be honest with ourselves about what our relationship was and wasn't maybe we can build a new one with the parts that worked. Maybe she never did love me but I want her to still like me.

Loss

It's been a long week. Lots of time spent packing and moving. Been giving Jill some space this week. She finally opened up to me about a very close boyfriend of hers that passed away. I had seen her Facebook posts about him and I knew she was devastated by his loss. She had planned on moving out of state to be with him but he died suddenly two years ago this week. I know that was unbelievably hard for her. She lost her grandmother when we were together and it hit her hard but this was much more personal. She didn't share this loss with her entire family. She had to face this mostly alone and once again I find myself hating the fact that we were disconnected and I wasn't able to be there for her. Funny thing is it just points out to me how distant we are. She morns his loss openly but you would be hard pressed to know that we were ever married. We were together almost every day for six years and experienced so much together but it doesn't seem that she has ever missed me at all or what I thought we had. Maybe it was all an illusion. Maybe she never really loved me at all. Maybe she just liked that I loved her. I know now that she's never felt about me in the same way I do about her. I know she feels something for me but I don't know what it is or was. I want her to be happy even if its with someone else and I want her life to be free of the pain that has followed her for so long. All I can do is try to be her friend and be there if she needs me. I guess that's all we can ever do.

the more thing change...

I found out Thursday I have two weeks to move. This has devastated me. I've been looking for a real job for a couple of years now. Freelance work is far to little and infrequent for me to survive on and living alone is not an option. The thing is, my only option now is to move-in with my eldest sister 40 miles to the north. Of course all my clients and my income are 10 miles to the south. This means I will be living away from the few friends I have left with no income at all and thus no way to return. I am terrified. I know I'm going to be isolated from the few remaining bits of my life I have left.

The only thing holding me together now is Jill. Without reconnecting with her and having her to talk too I would be completely lost. I was really messed up when I talked to her Thursday night. I just couldn't hold it together my life was crashing around me. Talking to her made it better. At least I was able to breath again.

Things are beginning to approach a level of normalcy with Jill. Friday night we talked for quite a while without ever really talking about the past or my screwed up life. Of course once again it was mostly about her cat but we did talk some about her work. I'm encouraged by the fact that she seemed to be the one constantly continuing the conversation and not me. I hope that means she is seeing me more as a friend now. And that she feels she can count on me to be there to talk to when she needs it. We all need someone close to us to talk to even her with all her strength.

I'm beginning to realize that the two things that scare Jill the most are the thought of being dependent on someone and someone being dependent on her. I think that's why she never asked my to move with her. Not because she thought I'd say no , but because she knew I'd say yes. Because she knew I would have no problem building my life around her. I think that scared her and I think it still does. I hope that in time our friendship may help her lose that fear. Maybe it's to late for us, but maybe she'll be able let the next person in a little more. To be able to depend on them. I'd rather have her happy with someone else then alone like me.

healthy relationship

Had a good talk with jill last night. She brought up my sudden change in diet.

For reference after going without any food for two days when I decided to contact her again (to nervous) I decided I didn't need to eat as much and I have only been eating around 1000 cal a day. Lean cuisines and no pop.

I have been giving little hints but I was reluctant to tell her for fear that she would think it was a desperate attempt to get her back. Not that I wouldn't do it if I thought it would work. No its really about things that changed inside me that weekend. I've learned to let go of some things and to better prioritize things. Among those things are her friendship and quality of food over quantity. It felt good to tell her in part because I really don't like keeping anything from her and in part because I know that if someone else knows I'm doing it it will be harder for me to give and return to my old ways.

That discussion led me to ask her about her health. I regret the fact that I had to push her a bit hard to get her to open up. I knew that I would have too. This is one of the few areas she always holds back on.

I was excited that she really did open up about it but so scared by what she said. She's had a lot of medical issues the last year and while there getting better they are ongoing and dragging her down. She was hospitalized last year, had major surgery and was close to kidney failure. All of this while I was out of her life. I fell sick about that. I should have been there for her then. No matter whats happened between us I still care about her. I still worry about her. Her determination causes her to push herself too much and her job is about as low stress as an air traffic controller. I just hope that now she knows she can talk to me about it. I hope that maybe I can give back a little of the strength she's given me.

It maybe selfish but I need her happy and healthy. I need my best friend.

What we need

Talked with Jill for a bit Sunday, Mostly about her cat. I'm worried about the fact that she doesn't seem to want to talk about us or herself and by the fact that she hasn't said anything about my asking her to get together to talk. I don't blame her. This last week or so has been a lot to take in. I hadn't even thought about being friends again when this started. Hell I hadn't even thought about us being friends when we were together. I realized though, that as I was telling her how I felt that maybe what I missed most was just talking to her. I'm beginning to realize that I need her most as a friend.

We were together every day for six years. As a result of that, though she'll never admit it, I know her better than anyone else in this world other then her mother. Likewise she's really the only on that knows me at all.  Sadly, she's probably the only person that ever will. I need to be able to talk to her again. I need her help to figure out how to put my life back together again, if thats even possible. Fact is she's always been that voice inside my head I talk to when I'm feeling troubled or the rare times I'm feeling excited. I'm just not sure what she needs. Does she need more time, more space. Does she need to know that I'm OK with just being her friend Or does she just need me to walk away (I just don't think I can). I know she needs someone that cares for her even when she says she doesn't need it. She is strong but sometimes too independent, keeping the people that love her too far away. Is she afraid our history will make our friendship too hard. I know her friendship can give me strength. I know that I know her well enough to be a good friend and to make her smile sometimes.

I hope that I have a chance to be that friend.

Lets dance

Didn't talk with Jill today. Sent her an email she hasn't responded. I'm getting concerned that I scared when I told her I wanted to see her and talk to her. She hasn't really said anything since.

I'm trying not to seem needy but I guess thats like rain trying not to seem wet. I am needy right now. Above all the emotions between us what I really need now and in the future is my friend back. As I have said before Jill is the only person I've ever really been able to talk to.

My sister got married today. That meant for a long day. I got up early and was running around quite a bit helping get things set up. It was a pretty casual affair as it was the second marriage for both bride and groom. The groom is quite the character. He's a beer drinking old school redneck type of guy. That has my other sisters worried. Me I looked at them together and it seems that my sister is genuinely happy. I've come to realize that If someone makes you happy in life, even if for a little while, its worth any risk to have them as part of your life. While they were just married today they bicker like a couple that have been together forever. That is to say very often and very effectively. They will go back and forth a while and then its over. They seem to be able to get it all out right there and then walk away without any anger or resentment. I suppose being able to fight that way is the mark of a really good relationship. Jill and I never really fought that way. Not that we didn't have our disagreements its just our fights where either never out in the open like that or completely one sided. (usually Jill being upset with me for doing something stupid).

That brings us to the bad memory of the day. The wedding was held at the same place my niece's wedding was held many years ago. This was early in my relationship with Jill. When the dancing started she wanted me to dance with her. Well, tough guys don't dance. I hadn't danced at a wedding since I was 12, and of course that was more running around the dance floor then dancing, so I was reluctant. But she dragged me out for the chicken dance and the bunny hop. It was warm and he got hot but it was fun I must admit. We went outside still panting and full of adrenaline to cool off and catch our breath and she said "see you not to bad a dancer."...

Its at thing point a normal intelligent human being would say "Thank you. Your not bad yourself." and would have then kissed her.

Of course thats not what I did. Being the non-serious idiot that I am made a stupid joke. I jokingly said "yeah, but you sucked"...

Who would think a stupid joke like that would be one of the biggest mistakes in my life. Jill got very upset and went inside. I apologized profusely but that one stupid comment will haunt me forever. She never forgot it and never forgave me for saying it. We never danced at a wedding again except for our own and she never forgot to remind me of why every time we went to a wedding.
Looking back at our time together I can't help but wonder what amazing memories I've missed because of one moments stupidity. The chances I could have had to hold her in my arms while swaying to the music on the dance floor. I would give anything today for a few more memories with her, to take back those words and have just one more dance.

Oscar Balls

Just a brief exchange with Jill today. She's out of town at meetings till tomorrow night so she is busy and tired.

Some background when Jill and I first moved in together we had two kittens Rudy and Blanche. Well at first it was Ruby and Blanche until we realized Ruby was a boy. They were both offspring of Lickity who was one of four kittens born to Cloe a cat that had wondered into my store years earlier. Now Jill is defiantly a cat person, me I just love all animals as I turn into a five year old around anything furry. Jill and Rudy had a special bond, she would hold him for hours from the time he was a tiny kitten till he was the cutest furriest maine coon you ever saw. When he was two, maybe three, he became very ill and we had to put him to sleep. The loss devastated Jill (me too) and she was heartbroken. Rudy was her furry sponge of love she could hold every night once she got home. It also had a serious affect on Blache as her brother had always been there together. It was a few months before Jill could bear the thought of getting another cat but we finally went out to the humane society and found Oscar Joseph (OJ for his orange patches). Oscar then became a part of our family and Jills new love. When we separated Jill left Oscar and Blache with me, not because she wanted to but, I think more because she felt sorry for leaving me alone. Or maybe it was she didn't want to move then from the only home they had ever known as they had never left the apartment. I was hard for Jill to leave them behind (leaving me behind not so much). Luckily we had a resent new addition too the family Kyra a stray that had wondered up our stairwell a month before. Jill took Kyra to her new apartment were they both still live today.

Now I said all that to say this. I had been at our old apartment today. My sister was over seeing what she could use for her new house. As we were moving stuff around I found one of my cat Oscars little rubber balls. (He thinks he's a dog and will fetch them.) I had to find Oscar a new home when I realized I would lose the apartment so I haven't had him six months or more.

A day ago Jill had asked about Oscar and Blanche. It wasn't something I wanted to tell her yet as I had to tell her that Blache had passed away last month. I knew even after all this time that would upset her and make her cry. I can see clearly in my mind the tears on her face when she had to read that email. That is why when I found that ball today I had to take it with me. I also knew I had to tell Jill. I hoped it might make her smile remembering him insanely chasing those balls around. Amazing thing is before I could send an email my sister got a visit today from her old mother-in-law, who by random fate was the nice lady that answered my ad and is Oscars new owner. She dropped off a few pictures of Oscar in his new home. I, of course, scanned them immediately and sent them to Jill. I hope they made her smile. I'm pretty sure they did as I may not have always been able to make her happy but Oscar always could.

Alive again?

Talked to Jill some more today. More than I was expecting. She had a busy day planned today so I was easing up on the emails. But I guess the questions are popping up in here mind. She started asking about my life. Thats something I didn't want to talk about via emails and something I wanted to keep in the background. After all my life... well it isn't even a life its such a mess.  The time after the divorce till now is just one huge hole of depression. The divorce was just a heavy blanket that covered all my other problems and kept them nice and cozy. Thing is she's been the only person I could ever talk to. Without her so much built up through the years. Thats probably why I'm writing this here now. Its the only way I can get these things out. There's a real problem with marrying your best and only friend. Who do you talk to when your having problems with that relationship. I had no where to turn when I was afraid things where getting between us, when I first  felt her drifting away. Holding on to those fears of losing her just helped accelerate the process. They made me pull back, made me more distant from her which only increased my fears. I was creating an emotional monster that feed on itself.

So where were we... oh yes. So she has started asking about my life which means I have to pour a bunch of stuff out. On one hand thats good. I need to talk to her as a friend to talk about these things. But I'm scared I'll go to far. That I'll become that crazy messed up needy friend you sometimes try to avoid. The crazy and messed up parts I can't do anything about its far to late for that. But the needy parts I have to try and control especially right now as we are trying to find a place between us were we can be friends. She has so much to deal with I don't want to add to her stress just to ease mine.

I finally got the nerve to tell her that I wanted to see her to talk. I'm not sure how she'll react. I have got this 4 year build up of stuff in me that I have to clear out before we can really just talk again and I need to do that with her face to face. Part of that is because many of the things are complex but I think its mostly that I need the strength I get from her to let them out.

On the subject of getting strength from her this last week a strange thing has occurred. Is I wrote my letter to her, as I talked to her it seems a huge weight has been lifted from me. Talking to her again has me feeling more alive then I have been in years. Something happened last week. Something snapped inside me that made me write that letter. Something gave way that allowed me to let go of all the hate, the anger and the bitterness. I think that before I was afraid if I let go of the bad feelings, I might lose the good ones too. But that didn't happen and reaching out to her I think I found something much better to hold onto. I think I may have lost the girl but found my best friend again. Maybe thats what I missed most all along.

Realizations

I just realized that its been almost ten years since I first saw Jills face. I don't think I ever told her but It was a few days before she realizes. I was lonely as I ever was so I had put up an add on excite personals out of desperation. After I did I looked through the adds and in fact I passed by hers without a thought. A few days later she responded to my add. I had said that I was looking for someone that was a challenge and that easy was boring. Boy did I ever walk into that one. Any way, messages became emails became phone calls etc. But I didn't realize right away that I had passed by her add without a thought a few days earlier. To be fair it was a horibble picture and a horrible bridesmaids dress. Funny thing is when I saw it later I could see the thing that made me fall in love with her, her smile. everything else in that picture was horrible even she will admit that. But that smile. Makes me wonder how many other smiles I missed along the way. And how many times I might have looked at her while we were together and not bothered to see and appreciate how special she is.

---

Something she said yesterday (ok a few hours ago its 1am). She said we didn't work as a couple.

"didn't work as a couple"

I have to say that is a complete cop out. Saying we didn't work is saying we never had a chance. No harm no foul. I can't believe that. I cant believe that the one chance I had in life never had a chance. I know its harder to say but much more truthful to say "we failed as a couple". It wasn't that we weren't compatible. That we couldn't have done it. But we made mistakes. Mostly in trying to be what we expected couples to be. What we just thought people magically turned into when they fell in love. That may fit for those millions 2.5 kid soccer mom families on Facebook but it was never us and it was never going to be. That was our worst mistake. There were plenty more that I have to own up to; things that I did; things I didn't; the things I failed to see in her; the things I failed to understand.

No, as hard as it is to admit, it wasn't that it could not work but that I failed to do so.

I talked to her today

11/17/10
Talked to Jill today and found out she's been having serious health problems and had  major surgery last year. She glossed over it and said she was fine. I know she's not. We had a couple of scares when we were married and she had a serious illness in college and spent a long time in the hospital and of course the bariatric surgery. She always put on a brave face and even though she is one of the strongest people I have ever meet I could always see the fear in her eyes.

Finding out she had gone through without me made me feel so wrong for all the things i've felt since our divorce. It may sound stupid but I still feel I should be there when she is hurt or scared or just sad. I know her mom would have been there as she has for all of the incidents but though all the years and all the pain, the good times with her has given me some strength I would have never had without her and I can't help but feel I should have been there to give some of that back.

She also told me she had been dating. That wasn't really unexpected but I guess some sick twisted part of me hoped she was lonely and missed my company. She said were good as friends but never worked as a couple but I don't think that's true. I think we just didn't work as a married couple. I think we both put to much pressure on ourselves to be this image of a married couple we had in our minds. Am image forged by society that neither of us would never fit. We just weren't going to be the husband, wife, 2.5 kids and a dog named spot. I think as a couple we could have been ok if not  for that pressure that seems to say a romantic relationship always has to be moving forward and changing. A friendship is allowed to just be. It can grow and change at its own pace. I'm not sure why we believe that a relationship has to always be pushed forward. Maybe its that panic to find that one person in life. Maybe its just an off shoot of the primal urge to find a suitable mate. What I know is that between us I waited to long for things to just happen while she just kept looking to that next level next goal to mark its progress. I guess thats because she is a very goal oriented person. I worry about that in her sometimes. I fear that she is so focused on the next goal that she hasn't ever really planned on a destination and that she'll always be chasing the next thing that will finally make her happy. Then again maybe I have it all wrong and it's the chase itself that makes her happy. As for me I have plenty of destinations I just cant seem to find any points in-between to allow me to get there.

To add to the evenings fun she told me she was looking for a new job and it would probably be in Detroit as that was were the job are (there's something you don't hear everyday). This made my heart sink. Talking to her again I've realized that all I want is to be part of her life again if only as a friend. I need to be able to talk to her and I need her to be able to talk to me again like we used to. Adding another 50 to a hundred miles makes that a lot more difficult. And her moving away from Flint moves her away from a lot of what we shared and the memories that connect us. This really hits hard at that dream I had of us maybe getting together every few weeks to sit at her place and talk for a few hours and just be friends again. I am also really worried about how the stress of moving and starting over with a new job will affect her health. She pushes herself so hard sometimes and doesn't always accept the support she should from those that care about her. She sees as strong and independent, which she is, but she is not invulnerable. She shouldn't face things alone when there are many people that care about her. Not that I am one to give people tips about reaching out.

I told her today that I wanted to be part of her life again. I think that scared her a bit. I think maybe it was to soon but talking about her health really pushed it up. She always made fun about me not showing my emotions but i think she does it to, just a bit more selectively. When she's angry you'll know it but when she's hurt she'll hide that. I think our breakup hurt her a lot more than she shows. And that makes me the biggest ass in the world for not seeing that years ago.