healthy relationship

Had a good talk with jill last night. She brought up my sudden change in diet.

For reference after going without any food for two days when I decided to contact her again (to nervous) I decided I didn't need to eat as much and I have only been eating around 1000 cal a day. Lean cuisines and no pop.

I have been giving little hints but I was reluctant to tell her for fear that she would think it was a desperate attempt to get her back. Not that I wouldn't do it if I thought it would work. No its really about things that changed inside me that weekend. I've learned to let go of some things and to better prioritize things. Among those things are her friendship and quality of food over quantity. It felt good to tell her in part because I really don't like keeping anything from her and in part because I know that if someone else knows I'm doing it it will be harder for me to give and return to my old ways.

That discussion led me to ask her about her health. I regret the fact that I had to push her a bit hard to get her to open up. I knew that I would have too. This is one of the few areas she always holds back on.

I was excited that she really did open up about it but so scared by what she said. She's had a lot of medical issues the last year and while there getting better they are ongoing and dragging her down. She was hospitalized last year, had major surgery and was close to kidney failure. All of this while I was out of her life. I fell sick about that. I should have been there for her then. No matter whats happened between us I still care about her. I still worry about her. Her determination causes her to push herself too much and her job is about as low stress as an air traffic controller. I just hope that now she knows she can talk to me about it. I hope that maybe I can give back a little of the strength she's given me.

It maybe selfish but I need her happy and healthy. I need my best friend.