Talked with Jill for a bit Sunday, Mostly about her cat. I'm worried about the fact that she doesn't seem to want to talk about us or herself and by the fact that she hasn't said anything about my asking her to get together to talk. I don't blame her. This last week or so has been a lot to take in. I hadn't even thought about being friends again when this started. Hell I hadn't even thought about us being friends when we were together. I realized though, that as I was telling her how I felt that maybe what I missed most was just talking to her. I'm beginning to realize that I need her most as a friend.
We were together every day for six years. As a result of that, though she'll never admit it, I know her better than anyone else in this world other then her mother. Likewise she's really the only on that knows me at all. Sadly, she's probably the only person that ever will. I need to be able to talk to her again. I need her help to figure out how to put my life back together again, if thats even possible. Fact is she's always been that voice inside my head I talk to when I'm feeling troubled or the rare times I'm feeling excited. I'm just not sure what she needs. Does she need more time, more space. Does she need to know that I'm OK with just being her friend Or does she just need me to walk away (I just don't think I can). I know she needs someone that cares for her even when she says she doesn't need it. She is strong but sometimes too independent, keeping the people that love her too far away. Is she afraid our history will make our friendship too hard. I know her friendship can give me strength. I know that I know her well enough to be a good friend and to make her smile sometimes.
I hope that I have a chance to be that friend.
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