the more thing change...

I found out Thursday I have two weeks to move. This has devastated me. I've been looking for a real job for a couple of years now. Freelance work is far to little and infrequent for me to survive on and living alone is not an option. The thing is, my only option now is to move-in with my eldest sister 40 miles to the north. Of course all my clients and my income are 10 miles to the south. This means I will be living away from the few friends I have left with no income at all and thus no way to return. I am terrified. I know I'm going to be isolated from the few remaining bits of my life I have left.

The only thing holding me together now is Jill. Without reconnecting with her and having her to talk too I would be completely lost. I was really messed up when I talked to her Thursday night. I just couldn't hold it together my life was crashing around me. Talking to her made it better. At least I was able to breath again.

Things are beginning to approach a level of normalcy with Jill. Friday night we talked for quite a while without ever really talking about the past or my screwed up life. Of course once again it was mostly about her cat but we did talk some about her work. I'm encouraged by the fact that she seemed to be the one constantly continuing the conversation and not me. I hope that means she is seeing me more as a friend now. And that she feels she can count on me to be there to talk to when she needs it. We all need someone close to us to talk to even her with all her strength.

I'm beginning to realize that the two things that scare Jill the most are the thought of being dependent on someone and someone being dependent on her. I think that's why she never asked my to move with her. Not because she thought I'd say no , but because she knew I'd say yes. Because she knew I would have no problem building my life around her. I think that scared her and I think it still does. I hope that in time our friendship may help her lose that fear. Maybe it's to late for us, but maybe she'll be able let the next person in a little more. To be able to depend on them. I'd rather have her happy with someone else then alone like me.