Alive again?

Talked to Jill some more today. More than I was expecting. She had a busy day planned today so I was easing up on the emails. But I guess the questions are popping up in here mind. She started asking about my life. Thats something I didn't want to talk about via emails and something I wanted to keep in the background. After all my life... well it isn't even a life its such a mess.  The time after the divorce till now is just one huge hole of depression. The divorce was just a heavy blanket that covered all my other problems and kept them nice and cozy. Thing is she's been the only person I could ever talk to. Without her so much built up through the years. Thats probably why I'm writing this here now. Its the only way I can get these things out. There's a real problem with marrying your best and only friend. Who do you talk to when your having problems with that relationship. I had no where to turn when I was afraid things where getting between us, when I first  felt her drifting away. Holding on to those fears of losing her just helped accelerate the process. They made me pull back, made me more distant from her which only increased my fears. I was creating an emotional monster that feed on itself.

So where were we... oh yes. So she has started asking about my life which means I have to pour a bunch of stuff out. On one hand thats good. I need to talk to her as a friend to talk about these things. But I'm scared I'll go to far. That I'll become that crazy messed up needy friend you sometimes try to avoid. The crazy and messed up parts I can't do anything about its far to late for that. But the needy parts I have to try and control especially right now as we are trying to find a place between us were we can be friends. She has so much to deal with I don't want to add to her stress just to ease mine.

I finally got the nerve to tell her that I wanted to see her to talk. I'm not sure how she'll react. I have got this 4 year build up of stuff in me that I have to clear out before we can really just talk again and I need to do that with her face to face. Part of that is because many of the things are complex but I think its mostly that I need the strength I get from her to let them out.

On the subject of getting strength from her this last week a strange thing has occurred. Is I wrote my letter to her, as I talked to her it seems a huge weight has been lifted from me. Talking to her again has me feeling more alive then I have been in years. Something happened last week. Something snapped inside me that made me write that letter. Something gave way that allowed me to let go of all the hate, the anger and the bitterness. I think that before I was afraid if I let go of the bad feelings, I might lose the good ones too. But that didn't happen and reaching out to her I think I found something much better to hold onto. I think I may have lost the girl but found my best friend again. Maybe thats what I missed most all along.