Didn't talk with Jill today. Sent her an email she hasn't responded. I'm getting concerned that I scared when I told her I wanted to see her and talk to her. She hasn't really said anything since.
I'm trying not to seem needy but I guess thats like rain trying not to seem wet. I am needy right now. Above all the emotions between us what I really need now and in the future is my friend back. As I have said before Jill is the only person I've ever really been able to talk to.
My sister got married today. That meant for a long day. I got up early and was running around quite a bit helping get things set up. It was a pretty casual affair as it was the second marriage for both bride and groom. The groom is quite the character. He's a beer drinking old school redneck type of guy. That has my other sisters worried. Me I looked at them together and it seems that my sister is genuinely happy. I've come to realize that If someone makes you happy in life, even if for a little while, its worth any risk to have them as part of your life. While they were just married today they bicker like a couple that have been together forever. That is to say very often and very effectively. They will go back and forth a while and then its over. They seem to be able to get it all out right there and then walk away without any anger or resentment. I suppose being able to fight that way is the mark of a really good relationship. Jill and I never really fought that way. Not that we didn't have our disagreements its just our fights where either never out in the open like that or completely one sided. (usually Jill being upset with me for doing something stupid).
That brings us to the bad memory of the day. The wedding was held at the same place my niece's wedding was held many years ago. This was early in my relationship with Jill. When the dancing started she wanted me to dance with her. Well, tough guys don't dance. I hadn't danced at a wedding since I was 12, and of course that was more running around the dance floor then dancing, so I was reluctant. But she dragged me out for the chicken dance and the bunny hop. It was warm and he got hot but it was fun I must admit. We went outside still panting and full of adrenaline to cool off and catch our breath and she said "see you not to bad a dancer."...
Its at thing point a normal intelligent human being would say "Thank you. Your not bad yourself." and would have then kissed her.
Of course thats not what I did. Being the non-serious idiot that I am made a stupid joke. I jokingly said "yeah, but you sucked"...
Who would think a stupid joke like that would be one of the biggest mistakes in my life. Jill got very upset and went inside. I apologized profusely but that one stupid comment will haunt me forever. She never forgot it and never forgave me for saying it. We never danced at a wedding again except for our own and she never forgot to remind me of why every time we went to a wedding.
Looking back at our time together I can't help but wonder what amazing memories I've missed because of one moments stupidity. The chances I could have had to hold her in my arms while swaying to the music on the dance floor. I would give anything today for a few more memories with her, to take back those words and have just one more dance.
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