Realizations

I just realized that its been almost ten years since I first saw Jills face. I don't think I ever told her but It was a few days before she realizes. I was lonely as I ever was so I had put up an add on excite personals out of desperation. After I did I looked through the adds and in fact I passed by hers without a thought. A few days later she responded to my add. I had said that I was looking for someone that was a challenge and that easy was boring. Boy did I ever walk into that one. Any way, messages became emails became phone calls etc. But I didn't realize right away that I had passed by her add without a thought a few days earlier. To be fair it was a horibble picture and a horrible bridesmaids dress. Funny thing is when I saw it later I could see the thing that made me fall in love with her, her smile. everything else in that picture was horrible even she will admit that. But that smile. Makes me wonder how many other smiles I missed along the way. And how many times I might have looked at her while we were together and not bothered to see and appreciate how special she is.

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Something she said yesterday (ok a few hours ago its 1am). She said we didn't work as a couple.

"didn't work as a couple"

I have to say that is a complete cop out. Saying we didn't work is saying we never had a chance. No harm no foul. I can't believe that. I cant believe that the one chance I had in life never had a chance. I know its harder to say but much more truthful to say "we failed as a couple". It wasn't that we weren't compatible. That we couldn't have done it. But we made mistakes. Mostly in trying to be what we expected couples to be. What we just thought people magically turned into when they fell in love. That may fit for those millions 2.5 kid soccer mom families on Facebook but it was never us and it was never going to be. That was our worst mistake. There were plenty more that I have to own up to; things that I did; things I didn't; the things I failed to see in her; the things I failed to understand.

No, as hard as it is to admit, it wasn't that it could not work but that I failed to do so.