Loss

It's been a long week. Lots of time spent packing and moving. Been giving Jill some space this week. She finally opened up to me about a very close boyfriend of hers that passed away. I had seen her Facebook posts about him and I knew she was devastated by his loss. She had planned on moving out of state to be with him but he died suddenly two years ago this week. I know that was unbelievably hard for her. She lost her grandmother when we were together and it hit her hard but this was much more personal. She didn't share this loss with her entire family. She had to face this mostly alone and once again I find myself hating the fact that we were disconnected and I wasn't able to be there for her. Funny thing is it just points out to me how distant we are. She morns his loss openly but you would be hard pressed to know that we were ever married. We were together almost every day for six years and experienced so much together but it doesn't seem that she has ever missed me at all or what I thought we had. Maybe it was all an illusion. Maybe she never really loved me at all. Maybe she just liked that I loved her. I know now that she's never felt about me in the same way I do about her. I know she feels something for me but I don't know what it is or was. I want her to be happy even if its with someone else and I want her life to be free of the pain that has followed her for so long. All I can do is try to be her friend and be there if she needs me. I guess that's all we can ever do.