Beating a dead horse.

Well I quests you may have thought the last chapter of this tragedy was over but the quote the great Ron Poppiel "but wait there's more". After saying goodbye that night I knew I would likely never see Jill again but after six years of being together every day I still care for her and always will. We didn't really talk but there were occasional comments on Facebook. Wishing her well with her surgery etc. The kind of polite interaction you might have with an old schoolmate.

Then one day she made a comment in her status that struck a painful cord. While it wasn't directed at me, or anyone really, it was the kind of small seemingly innocent and humorous comment that she had often made when we were together that would quietly cut to my deepest insecurities. While I don't think she ever did so consciously, she was quite effective at cutting me down to shut me up whenever I pushed her into anything uncomfortable in a discussion.

Seeing her name next to that comment just brought back a lot of pain and unspoken emotions. So I commented on it that while unintentioned her words could still hurt people. I might have however been a bit more flippant in the exact wording. Big mistake. It seems I had forgotten exactly why I never confronted her about anything during our marriage. She takes all complements as sarcasm and all criticism as a personal attack. That really didn't leave much room for conversation. Thus she lost it completely. How dare I be hurt by her comment. How dare I have feelings. She tore at me hard finally admitting the she had left simply because I could no longer enhance her lifestyle after damaging my knees killing myself to try to build a life for us. She imeadiatly unfreinded me and blocked me on Facebook saying she never wanted to hear from me again.

So that was it, after ten years she cut herself completely out of my life. But at least it did give some closure. It did confirm what I have long felt that she never loved or wanted me at all. I was just a convenient means at the time. The fact is I don't think she is capable of loving anyone including herself. She has a fear inside of her so dark and so deep she may never allow herself to depend on or care for anyone or to allow any to do so for her. There is good in her heart, I know I've seen it but I'm not sure she will ever let it out. Or maybe I'm wrong maybe everything was an illusion. Maybe I'm just an idiot. Well I'm definitely an idiot since I still love her and always will. I can't fathom the concept of not caring about someone you've spent that much time with no matter how badly it ends. But I except the fact that it never was. The fact that it's over. That the pain will always be there. That I always was alone.

I except it all, but I can not forget. But I can move on.

It all Ends

It's quite appropriate that the tagline for the last Harry Potter movie is "It all ends". For that is where it all ends for me and Jill. As I've said before Jill has shown little intrest in being friends and no intrest at all in remembering me or what we had together. Jill had agreed last year to see the last Harry Potter movies with me and I know there is no reason past that for her to ever see me again. Knowing this I decided that It was time to say goodbye. I knew I had to do it in person. I knew I had to look in her eyes hold her hands and say goodbye. I also knew that doing so would rip my heart out.

So it happened last Wednesday. We met for a bite to eat at Taco Bell before heading to the theater. Again it was like nothing had ever happened between us, like she hadn't left me. The second I sat down we were back to laughing, joking and smiling as we always did. Maybe that's why it hurts so much...that nothing every really did happen between us. We were seemingly happy one day. She was gone and I was destroyed the next. We chatted a bit. She has a new boyfriend and big surprise her old one got another girl pregnant while they were dating. I'm scared to think it, but sooner or later she will find one that will end up beating the hell out of her. She only seems attracted to those that treat women like crap. Makes me wonder why she ever was with me anyway? Did she think I was like that? Or was I just a convenience.

After dinner we headed to the theater. Walking in it felt so strange to be next to her but not to hold her hand or touch her back. Waiting for the movie to start I marveled at how beautiful I still thought she was her long hair and pretty smile. As badly as she hurt me I still loved her and I always will.

Once the movie was over as she was ready to get in her car I asked here to wait. I held her hand and lost it. I started balling like a baby as I told her I knew she didn't want to remember me or us and that I knew we would probably never meet again. I told her I loved her and always would. I couldn't get out all the words I had wanted to say but I got out the one word I needed. I said goodbye, hugged her and walked away. I cried all the way home. It tore me apart but I knew I had to do it. I suppose just like Harry I needed to die before I could live again.

Long time...so wait and see.

OK it's been a long time since I've written here and there's a lot to cover. I did have dinner with Jill we talked for quite a while and it was great but also so very painful. Especially the fact that she hade to tell me about each of the many boyfriends she's had since we divorced. It's hard to think of her with someone else and it's even harder seeing her choices. Thing is I think she's always been afraid of being close to anyone so I think she's been dating men she knows she'll never love or respect. All of them with baby's mommas with very little real respect for any woman. I think she does this to make sure its easy to leave. Easy to forget and let go. Easy to avoid really caring. Cheap sunglasses that you wont miss if you lose them. She deserves better but I doubt she will ever take the risk of really loving someone.
I'm sure now that she never loved me. I was never the man she wanted. I was simply what was available at the time to fill the role she thought would make her happy. She wanted a boyfriend and a husband but she never wanted me.

Now for the messy stuff. The day after I had dinner with Jill I met another girl Jenn. We connected online and met in a park and talked for a couple of hours. Then we kissed and continued to do so several more hours. It was two AM before we said goodnight. I was amazed by this woman. She had been though some very bad relationships but had shown such strength raising two children on her own. Over the next few weeks we spent time together at her home making love several times. Suddenly my world was upside down. Suddenly I could see myself with her and very happy. Beautiful eyes and long silky hair. Holding her in my arms felt so good. Fast forward to Christmas, she was in dire financial straits and at the end of her rope but had cut off communications with all her normal friends and myself by staying off the internet for several days. When I was able to get ahold of her I told her if we were going to build a relationship she needed to be able to turn to me when she has problems. Well that was a mistake! This was the point that she told me she didn't want a relationship and that she just wasn't feeling the fireworks. Merry Christmas to me! Yet another woman that likes me but just doesn't LIKE me. Sad thing is she broke my heart and we never actually were able to go out on a real date. I guess maybe that should have been a clue. I still talk to her online sometimes and I still think she is an amazing woman.

So after that I shut down for several months. Then finally tried again. I talked to several women online. There's one that I still do. Her name is Joey (I seem to have an issue with J's) she is, again, an amazing woman raising two kids on her own. She is also quite pretty despite her ex having convinced her otherwise. Not much chance for me there. We have yet to meet and she has a boyfriend she avoided mentioning for quite a while. He of course is married but had told her he was divorced instead of "is getting" divorced. But still I enjoy talking to her and seeing her pretty smile in the ocasional pic.

Well that gets us to present day. Still alone, still hurt, but still standing. I still talk to Jill. not as much now just once or twice a week by texts. Her health problems are still ongoing and I worry about her. It hurts to talk to her because every conversation shows how little she cares for me. In the 9 months we've been talking again she's never once asked me how I was or what I was doing. The fact is I now the only time I cross her mind is when we talk. The six years we were together are nothing more to her than a strange dream that you really can't remember when you wake up. To me they were the happiest days of my life.

Now here's the dilemma I've been talking to a girl and I'm really beginning to have feelings for her but I have no chance. Thing is I told her about this blog. What happens if she reads it? Will I lose her friendship? Why the hell did I write this paragraph? I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Jill has added you as a friend.

Jill added me as a friend on Facebook today. It's something I've wanted but I knew it would be a while and I knew I could't ask her. I would just have to give her time. We've been talking more and I think she's been down the last few days and maybe she's seeing that I can be her friend. While that is good I'm worried about her. We talked yesterday and she seemed somewhat despondent. She's taken a lot of punishment the last few years both physically and emotionally and it's wearing on her. She's a great person who doesn't deserve the trials she's faced. While her leaving hurt me more than she will ever realize she deserves to be happy. I wasn't expecting that being her friend would be so hard. I'm just as worried and concerned about her as when we were together but I have so many less options for helping her. Before I could just hold her hand but now all I can do is type words onto a screen and words are not my thing. (you might have figured that out by now)

On brighter news she has agreed to have dinner with me for my birthday. This will be the first time we've been face to face since the divorce. I hope I don't lose it and start sobbing right there in the restaurant. Ah who am I kidding? I just hope I don't sob too much. Its going to be tough for both of us emotionally but I think it will help us deal with things and breakdown some of the barriers between us. I'm frightened and excited at the same time. I just want to hold her hand and hear her voice again. I may be forced to give up on her as a love but I will never give up on her as a friend.

heavy load

Heavy talk with Jill tonight. I had to ask a question I worried would upset her. I needed to ask if she had been with her boyfriend that had passed away before she had filed for divorce. I assumed the answer was  yes and it was. Jill had filed for divorce a few months after my dad died. We had been talking a lot as my mother had taken a serious turn after that and we had to put her in a nursing home (this being related to Jill's profession). When we had talked things seemed much better between us. She seemed much happier then she had been I quite a while. I didn't now then that it was her boyfriend making her happy so I assumed our relationship was improving. When she filed for divorce I felt blindsided. I wish she had told me she was seeing someone. Then I would have known there was a reason for her to move on at that point. Unfortunatly I saw it not as her moving on but her deciding to cut me out of her life. My mother passed away a few weeks before the hearing and I was a total mess at that time I couldn't talk to Jill then I was so afraid of what I might say. I told her tonight that I wish she had told me It would have still hurt like hell but it would have made sense.

In the course of the conversation I told her, what I have come to believe, that she never really loved me. I don't mean that as an accusation or an attack but as a sad fact. I think she liked me and still does and I think she wanted to love me but it just never happened. I think we were both lonely when we met and we both loved having someone else in our lives so much that we wanted to make it work so bad we ignored the truth. I loved her and she liked me. That, I think, did upset her. She never responded. It hurts like hell but I think if we can be honest with ourselves about what our relationship was and wasn't maybe we can build a new one with the parts that worked. Maybe she never did love me but I want her to still like me.

Loss

It's been a long week. Lots of time spent packing and moving. Been giving Jill some space this week. She finally opened up to me about a very close boyfriend of hers that passed away. I had seen her Facebook posts about him and I knew she was devastated by his loss. She had planned on moving out of state to be with him but he died suddenly two years ago this week. I know that was unbelievably hard for her. She lost her grandmother when we were together and it hit her hard but this was much more personal. She didn't share this loss with her entire family. She had to face this mostly alone and once again I find myself hating the fact that we were disconnected and I wasn't able to be there for her. Funny thing is it just points out to me how distant we are. She morns his loss openly but you would be hard pressed to know that we were ever married. We were together almost every day for six years and experienced so much together but it doesn't seem that she has ever missed me at all or what I thought we had. Maybe it was all an illusion. Maybe she never really loved me at all. Maybe she just liked that I loved her. I know now that she's never felt about me in the same way I do about her. I know she feels something for me but I don't know what it is or was. I want her to be happy even if its with someone else and I want her life to be free of the pain that has followed her for so long. All I can do is try to be her friend and be there if she needs me. I guess that's all we can ever do.

the more thing change...

I found out Thursday I have two weeks to move. This has devastated me. I've been looking for a real job for a couple of years now. Freelance work is far to little and infrequent for me to survive on and living alone is not an option. The thing is, my only option now is to move-in with my eldest sister 40 miles to the north. Of course all my clients and my income are 10 miles to the south. This means I will be living away from the few friends I have left with no income at all and thus no way to return. I am terrified. I know I'm going to be isolated from the few remaining bits of my life I have left.

The only thing holding me together now is Jill. Without reconnecting with her and having her to talk too I would be completely lost. I was really messed up when I talked to her Thursday night. I just couldn't hold it together my life was crashing around me. Talking to her made it better. At least I was able to breath again.

Things are beginning to approach a level of normalcy with Jill. Friday night we talked for quite a while without ever really talking about the past or my screwed up life. Of course once again it was mostly about her cat but we did talk some about her work. I'm encouraged by the fact that she seemed to be the one constantly continuing the conversation and not me. I hope that means she is seeing me more as a friend now. And that she feels she can count on me to be there to talk to when she needs it. We all need someone close to us to talk to even her with all her strength.

I'm beginning to realize that the two things that scare Jill the most are the thought of being dependent on someone and someone being dependent on her. I think that's why she never asked my to move with her. Not because she thought I'd say no , but because she knew I'd say yes. Because she knew I would have no problem building my life around her. I think that scared her and I think it still does. I hope that in time our friendship may help her lose that fear. Maybe it's to late for us, but maybe she'll be able let the next person in a little more. To be able to depend on them. I'd rather have her happy with someone else then alone like me.