Beating a dead horse.

Well I quests you may have thought the last chapter of this tragedy was over but the quote the great Ron Poppiel "but wait there's more". After saying goodbye that night I knew I would likely never see Jill again but after six years of being together every day I still care for her and always will. We didn't really talk but there were occasional comments on Facebook. Wishing her well with her surgery etc. The kind of polite interaction you might have with an old schoolmate.

Then one day she made a comment in her status that struck a painful cord. While it wasn't directed at me, or anyone really, it was the kind of small seemingly innocent and humorous comment that she had often made when we were together that would quietly cut to my deepest insecurities. While I don't think she ever did so consciously, she was quite effective at cutting me down to shut me up whenever I pushed her into anything uncomfortable in a discussion.

Seeing her name next to that comment just brought back a lot of pain and unspoken emotions. So I commented on it that while unintentioned her words could still hurt people. I might have however been a bit more flippant in the exact wording. Big mistake. It seems I had forgotten exactly why I never confronted her about anything during our marriage. She takes all complements as sarcasm and all criticism as a personal attack. That really didn't leave much room for conversation. Thus she lost it completely. How dare I be hurt by her comment. How dare I have feelings. She tore at me hard finally admitting the she had left simply because I could no longer enhance her lifestyle after damaging my knees killing myself to try to build a life for us. She imeadiatly unfreinded me and blocked me on Facebook saying she never wanted to hear from me again.

So that was it, after ten years she cut herself completely out of my life. But at least it did give some closure. It did confirm what I have long felt that she never loved or wanted me at all. I was just a convenient means at the time. The fact is I don't think she is capable of loving anyone including herself. She has a fear inside of her so dark and so deep she may never allow herself to depend on or care for anyone or to allow any to do so for her. There is good in her heart, I know I've seen it but I'm not sure she will ever let it out. Or maybe I'm wrong maybe everything was an illusion. Maybe I'm just an idiot. Well I'm definitely an idiot since I still love her and always will. I can't fathom the concept of not caring about someone you've spent that much time with no matter how badly it ends. But I except the fact that it never was. The fact that it's over. That the pain will always be there. That I always was alone.

I except it all, but I can not forget. But I can move on.