It's quite appropriate that the tagline for the last Harry Potter movie is "It all ends". For that is where it all ends for me and Jill. As I've said before Jill has shown little intrest in being friends and no intrest at all in remembering me or what we had together. Jill had agreed last year to see the last Harry Potter movies with me and I know there is no reason past that for her to ever see me again. Knowing this I decided that It was time to say goodbye. I knew I had to do it in person. I knew I had to look in her eyes hold her hands and say goodbye. I also knew that doing so would rip my heart out.
So it happened last Wednesday. We met for a bite to eat at Taco Bell before heading to the theater. Again it was like nothing had ever happened between us, like she hadn't left me. The second I sat down we were back to laughing, joking and smiling as we always did. Maybe that's why it hurts so much...that nothing every really did happen between us. We were seemingly happy one day. She was gone and I was destroyed the next. We chatted a bit. She has a new boyfriend and big surprise her old one got another girl pregnant while they were dating. I'm scared to think it, but sooner or later she will find one that will end up beating the hell out of her. She only seems attracted to those that treat women like crap. Makes me wonder why she ever was with me anyway? Did she think I was like that? Or was I just a convenience.
After dinner we headed to the theater. Walking in it felt so strange to be next to her but not to hold her hand or touch her back. Waiting for the movie to start I marveled at how beautiful I still thought she was her long hair and pretty smile. As badly as she hurt me I still loved her and I always will.
Once the movie was over as she was ready to get in her car I asked here to wait. I held her hand and lost it. I started balling like a baby as I told her I knew she didn't want to remember me or us and that I knew we would probably never meet again. I told her I loved her and always would. I couldn't get out all the words I had wanted to say but I got out the one word I needed. I said goodbye, hugged her and walked away. I cried all the way home. It tore me apart but I knew I had to do it. I suppose just like Harry I needed to die before I could live again.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Long time...so wait and see.
OK it's been a long time since I've written here and there's a lot to cover. I did have dinner with Jill we talked for quite a while and it was great but also so very painful. Especially the fact that she hade to tell me about each of the many boyfriends she's had since we divorced. It's hard to think of her with someone else and it's even harder seeing her choices. Thing is I think she's always been afraid of being close to anyone so I think she's been dating men she knows she'll never love or respect. All of them with baby's mommas with very little real respect for any woman. I think she does this to make sure its easy to leave. Easy to forget and let go. Easy to avoid really caring. Cheap sunglasses that you wont miss if you lose them. She deserves better but I doubt she will ever take the risk of really loving someone.
I'm sure now that she never loved me. I was never the man she wanted. I was simply what was available at the time to fill the role she thought would make her happy. She wanted a boyfriend and a husband but she never wanted me.
Now for the messy stuff. The day after I had dinner with Jill I met another girl Jenn. We connected online and met in a park and talked for a couple of hours. Then we kissed and continued to do so several more hours. It was two AM before we said goodnight. I was amazed by this woman. She had been though some very bad relationships but had shown such strength raising two children on her own. Over the next few weeks we spent time together at her home making love several times. Suddenly my world was upside down. Suddenly I could see myself with her and very happy. Beautiful eyes and long silky hair. Holding her in my arms felt so good. Fast forward to Christmas, she was in dire financial straits and at the end of her rope but had cut off communications with all her normal friends and myself by staying off the internet for several days. When I was able to get ahold of her I told her if we were going to build a relationship she needed to be able to turn to me when she has problems. Well that was a mistake! This was the point that she told me she didn't want a relationship and that she just wasn't feeling the fireworks. Merry Christmas to me! Yet another woman that likes me but just doesn't LIKE me. Sad thing is she broke my heart and we never actually were able to go out on a real date. I guess maybe that should have been a clue. I still talk to her online sometimes and I still think she is an amazing woman.
So after that I shut down for several months. Then finally tried again. I talked to several women online. There's one that I still do. Her name is Joey (I seem to have an issue with J's) she is, again, an amazing woman raising two kids on her own. She is also quite pretty despite her ex having convinced her otherwise. Not much chance for me there. We have yet to meet and she has a boyfriend she avoided mentioning for quite a while. He of course is married but had told her he was divorced instead of "is getting" divorced. But still I enjoy talking to her and seeing her pretty smile in the ocasional pic.
Well that gets us to present day. Still alone, still hurt, but still standing. I still talk to Jill. not as much now just once or twice a week by texts. Her health problems are still ongoing and I worry about her. It hurts to talk to her because every conversation shows how little she cares for me. In the 9 months we've been talking again she's never once asked me how I was or what I was doing. The fact is I now the only time I cross her mind is when we talk. The six years we were together are nothing more to her than a strange dream that you really can't remember when you wake up. To me they were the happiest days of my life.
Now here's the dilemma I've been talking to a girl and I'm really beginning to have feelings for her but I have no chance. Thing is I told her about this blog. What happens if she reads it? Will I lose her friendship? Why the hell did I write this paragraph? I guess we'll have to wait and see.
I'm sure now that she never loved me. I was never the man she wanted. I was simply what was available at the time to fill the role she thought would make her happy. She wanted a boyfriend and a husband but she never wanted me.
Now for the messy stuff. The day after I had dinner with Jill I met another girl Jenn. We connected online and met in a park and talked for a couple of hours. Then we kissed and continued to do so several more hours. It was two AM before we said goodnight. I was amazed by this woman. She had been though some very bad relationships but had shown such strength raising two children on her own. Over the next few weeks we spent time together at her home making love several times. Suddenly my world was upside down. Suddenly I could see myself with her and very happy. Beautiful eyes and long silky hair. Holding her in my arms felt so good. Fast forward to Christmas, she was in dire financial straits and at the end of her rope but had cut off communications with all her normal friends and myself by staying off the internet for several days. When I was able to get ahold of her I told her if we were going to build a relationship she needed to be able to turn to me when she has problems. Well that was a mistake! This was the point that she told me she didn't want a relationship and that she just wasn't feeling the fireworks. Merry Christmas to me! Yet another woman that likes me but just doesn't LIKE me. Sad thing is she broke my heart and we never actually were able to go out on a real date. I guess maybe that should have been a clue. I still talk to her online sometimes and I still think she is an amazing woman.
So after that I shut down for several months. Then finally tried again. I talked to several women online. There's one that I still do. Her name is Joey (I seem to have an issue with J's) she is, again, an amazing woman raising two kids on her own. She is also quite pretty despite her ex having convinced her otherwise. Not much chance for me there. We have yet to meet and she has a boyfriend she avoided mentioning for quite a while. He of course is married but had told her he was divorced instead of "is getting" divorced. But still I enjoy talking to her and seeing her pretty smile in the ocasional pic.
Well that gets us to present day. Still alone, still hurt, but still standing. I still talk to Jill. not as much now just once or twice a week by texts. Her health problems are still ongoing and I worry about her. It hurts to talk to her because every conversation shows how little she cares for me. In the 9 months we've been talking again she's never once asked me how I was or what I was doing. The fact is I now the only time I cross her mind is when we talk. The six years we were together are nothing more to her than a strange dream that you really can't remember when you wake up. To me they were the happiest days of my life.
Now here's the dilemma I've been talking to a girl and I'm really beginning to have feelings for her but I have no chance. Thing is I told her about this blog. What happens if she reads it? Will I lose her friendship? Why the hell did I write this paragraph? I guess we'll have to wait and see.
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